Brain is spilling out with heartfelt experiences about what I learnt from my trip to Portugal. There’s honestly soo much to write about! This will be one of many Portugal inspired blog posts.
First off, let me take you back to my past…
Childhood trauma haunted me.
I couldn’t escape, because it was me.
It swallowed me into a pit of depression.
Little Naomi didn’t know how to handle it,
She was a child,
She couldn’t hold the darkness,
It built up,
until it exploded into panic attacks.
I’m now realizing how strong little Naomi is.
I love her soo much.
The saving grace,
The holy vibrations,
Music saved my life.
Got lost in the rhythm.
Took me to another reality.
A sweet surrender.
Dancing like a flame,
Singing at the top of my lungs.
In those moments,
I was free.
My demons melted away.
I would dream of seeing my favourite artists live. One year I got hyped up about Lollapalooza, a music festival in Berlin. But little Naomi lacked confidence, friends and money to go. I was living in a place of fear.
The last few years I’ve been healing my trauma wounds. My spirit guides assure me that this world has beautiful things for me. I trust the universe. I am open to receive the miracles life has to offer.
In 2019, I let go of what was dulling out my light; left a shitty relationship, left my job, my house, gave away most of my possessions, bought a one way ticket to Greece and tickets to the 2020 Porto Primavera festival.
Due to covid the festival kept being postponed but finally it arrived!
Thing is with trauma is that it keeps coming up. Its a constant battle, but once you make friends with the demons, it gets a lot easier to reason with them and not let them take over your reality.
They started whispering thoughts of fear
“Everyone will be drunk with their friends, and you’ll be the sober loser on your own”
It’s been a while since I wrote something and actually published it on here!
Mainly because I’ve been dealing with my own shit. When certain negative emotions arise, I like to take step back, analyze my brain, by asking myself questions; to find the root of the problem. This is called Shadow work.
So if you want to know how my brain works, and probably yours too, as we’re all pretty similar, carry on reading…
I was out in the fancy part of Rome.
The people were like the buildings; ozzing elegance and class.
Look down at myself, stain on my top, worn out boots, no make up, hairy armpits.
Feelings of inadequacy start bubbling up inside.
When we feel jealous of someone,
There’s two paths our mind can take.
Either, strive to be “better” than them.
This might sound like a healthy mindset, because this is what society encourages. But seeing others as competition is toxic. It can create an addiction mentality, because they’ll always be someone “better” than us.
Instead of looking within ourselves; we are taught to look outside. This mindset underpins capitalism. Which explains why depression and anxiety are prevelent today.
I call myself out, when I notice my mind going to dark places, for example with negative self talk.
“Oi thought! This mind is a place of LOVE.”
Although I’m an anti capitalist badass, we live in a capitalist world, where the conditioning is clever, we don’t even realise it. It can easily infiltrate our minds. Becoming a constant self love battle.
My initial feelings towards the fancy people was completely the opposite of striving to be like them…
“Bourgeoisie bullshit” I huffed to myself. “These people are soo fake, they only care about how they look.”
Why can’t I admire someone’s beautiful outfit, without it triggering something within me?
For me, it triggered hurt feelings, of not being able to fit in with others.
The phrase “If you can’t join them, beat them” shows how both mentalities come from the same place. Both see others as competition. Shaming others, becomes a survival tactic.
Not only does it alienate people, but it puts people into boxes, based on how they look/what they do. We like to put labels on things “good” “bad” but it’s not soo black and white.
We cannot be defined by our choices, by how we look, or even our thoughts. We are much greater. I believe we are all connected to the divine; source energy.
Basically we’re all gods and goddesses walking the earth, that have forgotten how much power we have.
Okay so we’re part of a capitalist society, but we can protect our heart and mind from toxic behaviours.
Let’s stop shaming each other.
Admire differences. Empower others.
Thanks for reading! Do you relate to anything that I’ve written? Does your mind go through similar thought patterns?
I’m going to be writing more about how internerlised capitalism affects our minds. Stay tuned…
Growing up in a council house on benefits. With my dad and brother. No Mother to show me the way. Nits in our hair. Shoes falling apart. Skin covering bare bones.
Enviously looking at girls who adorn themselves with jewellery and beautiful fitted clothing.
Disappointed in Myself and My situation.
A heavy sense of shame followed me.
I didn’t want people to see Me.
If you’re different, you’re a target.
“Ewww you don’t shave your armpits!”
“I won’t talk to you until you shave”
Body shaming each other.
Ultimately, it’s not their fault.
We’ve been raised in a toxic system where shaming ourselves and others is considered “normal”
All of us are cogs in this mashine.
Even when you realise, that you’re a cog, it’s hard to break away from these patterns, because that’s all you’ve ever known.
Word on the streets is
This System is going Down!
From the Ashes
Grows a New System
Built on Self Love.
It starts with
Women Coming Together.
In a Safe Space.
Listening with Love.
Raising each other UP
I’m on a journey of self discovery.
How My body works.
How My mind operates.
What My heart feels.
Privileged to be part of a group of women that are doing the same.
I’m part of the Virtual Inner circle with Womben Wellness. We learn in depth knowledge about the female body and develop a relationship with our bodies.
It’s such a beautiful enriching resource. I really recommend it! Even if you can’t afford the Inner circle membership, there’s loads of free videos and guides. (This isn’t a paid advert but if you would like to work together let me know lol!)
I’m grateful for the gift of writing. It really helps me process traumatic periods in my life and uncomfortable feelings that arise from them. By reflecting and retelling the story you can learn so much about others and yourself.
My wise friend told me to “Run to the darkness. ” Explore your emotions, rather than bottling negative feelings. Although it will be hard, you will grow soo much.
Lepon… So… Here’s my growth Story.
I’d never felt so at home before!
There was no pressure to: clean, work, cook ect…
I’d be on the balcony smoking weed and gardening all day. Going on bike rides with my flatmates. Making art.
It was a sweet life.
I felt happy in my little sanctuary. The only problem was when I went outside.
A shaddy authoritative figure holds out their hand.
“bla bla speaking in Greek… “
“Yassas I don’t speak Greek”
“Show Me Your ID”
I was in total shock. I own up to my white privilege, in the whole 25 years of being alive, the first time I was stopped and asked for ID was in Greece a few months ago. Verbal randomness started flowing out of my mouth.
You know when you’re a kid and you just keep asking “why though?”
Well I’m still a kid and like to ask alot of questions.
But seriously though
“Why do you need to know who I am?”
“Have I committed a crime?”
Then they start to get funny and say something like
“Do you want to get arrested?”
I go all Lauren from the Catherine Tate show ( look it up if you can be bothered 😉
“Can I not just ask a question tho? Can’t EVEN ask a question? Are we living in a dictatorship tho? Are you going to arrest me for asking a question? Am I Bothered? Look at my face. Am I bothered? Not Bothered!”
(exaggerated the situation obvs 🙂
Or the classic.
“I’ll show you my ID if you show me yours Officer”
(sounds soo pervy lol)
“As how do I know you would give it back? I don’t know you, and certainly don’t trust you. “
Surprised that I actually got a cop to give me his personal ID.
It is perfectly within your right to ask these type of questions. I think it’s important to do so.
It reminds them that We Are Equals.
Just because they’ve been given a shiny badge by the government, does not make them superior.
They start to identify with their job title and lose who they really are.
If no one challenges them, then they’ll keep thinking they have the power.
It is also perfectly within your right, to flim the police or someone else in a public space. Be aware that some police also have cameras and mics inbeded in their uniform.
At the start of the year I went into the Athens Police Headquarters to complain about how rude and aggressive the police are.
“We’re not like England!”
This activated me into Mary Poppins…
The super Nanny for the Kako cops…
“Young man, I’m seeing alot of unacceptable behaviour around here.”
As the government tighten their control, on the protests showing solidarity for Dimitri Koufontinas. (link explaing about Koufontinas). The police displayed more aggression towards the people. Despite this, Greek people showed solidarity, and fought back.
My room mate showed me horrific videos of police abusing their power and ganging up on individuals. At my nearest metro, the police pushed people into the station and threw tear gas in an enclosed space.
Going out felt like a warzone.
I’d go past a cop I’d be like
Under my breath.
Silently praying that my friends are Daxey Laxey (okie dokie)
If any police are reading this please would you email me your answers to these questions:
What is your duty?
Who do you work for?
Are you serving the people?
Or serving the Government?
What do you Stand for?
Who Are You?
For Growth to happen you need to undergo trauma and run towards it screaming!
You might get brusied (emotionally) but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right!? Stand a little taller… Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone… ;D (you’re gonna have that stuck in your head now)
Lepon, the traumatic incidences with the police.
We were exercising our right to protest, but the protest didn’t happen as the police dispanded everyone. So we went for a coffee, sat on some grass by the side of the road.
I got comfortable.
Took my shoes off.
Having a good time when…
A group of at least 6 Team Drassi officers pull up on bikes next to us. They start encroaching on our personal space. One officer kicked my bag and scarf.
I felt threatened.
When this happens your body goes into Fight or Flight mode.
Animal instincts kick in.
This is our body’s natural way of protecting itself. This is useful, when fleeing from other animals or attacking them.
But we’re not wild animals in the jungle. Although it sure feels like it sometimes!
We can’t simply run away from our problems. We are told we have to talk to the Malaka police and give them our ID.
Your body fills up with energy. If you don’t use it, it comes out as a panic attack.
Okay, so this time, I was with my trusted Greek friends. I could see they where rationalising with the officers and that everything would be Daxey.
Wasn’t soo Daxey when I was with my friend, cycling down a road in Athens. We passed loads of riot police, we went the wrong way and had to pass them again.
Menacing black uniforms surrounded our bikes. I suggested some fresh fashion advice.
“I’d love to give your uniforms a make over. I’d put a red heart on your sleeves, to remind you to be loving and to show the people you care.”
The officer got soo pissed at this!
“We wear Black! This isn’t a game! We are at war!”
At War with Who?
Yourself I think.
Police non stop asking questions.
A lot of questions…
“Where are you going? When is your birthday? Where were you born? Where do you live? How long have you been here? Why are you trembling?”
“Because We’re SCARED!”
I’ve worked on my mental health alot recently. I can spot a panic attack coming. I ground myself using my breath. I can calm down.
However this time, I had a full hiperventaling panic attack in front of the cops.
I was scared that they were going to hurt me. I didn’t care if they took my ID. I just had to leave the toxic situation.
Some of them started to laugh at me.
How Dare they!
Disturb my peace of mind!
Make fun of someone vulnerable!
Got home, cried, shouted, made soo much art about it. But no matter what I did. I couldn’t shake out all the rage. It’s there for a reason. To be explored…
I had been triggered. I was acting out, to express my pain, calling out for attention and comfort from my loved ones.
However my friends didn’t like this behaviour and it made them react and push away from me. We’d argue. As you might imagine, I’m a good talker and stubborn. I always defend myself and my actions. It’s hard to see other points of view.
Especially, when most of us live by toxic values, that we’ve been conditioned to follow, by the system.
“Put a brave face on. ”
“Don’t show your weakness.”
“Don’t be the odd one out.”
Body shaming, sex work shame, putting others down, seriously the list can go on for ages…
Let me know what toxic value you’re un-conditioning yourself from!
I decided to follow my intuition and leave the beautiful sanctuary flat and my gorgeous little cat.
“If they can’t handle me at my worst, they don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe
Moving out was incredibly hard. There were a lot of tears! As there were many good memories in that flat.
I hope that my friend sees that there was no bad intentions in my behaviour and we can move past this.
I acknowledge that we are not are thoughts or actions. Any moment we can change the narrative of who we are.
Anyone read till the end? If you have thank you soo much for your support and love! I hope you got something, from me explaining my story.