Facing My Demons

Brain is spilling out with heartfelt experiences about what I learnt from my trip to Portugal. There’s honestly soo much to write about! This will be one of many Portugal inspired blog posts.

First off, let me take you back to my past…

Childhood trauma haunted me.

I couldn’t escape, because it was me.

It swallowed me into a pit of depression.

Little Naomi didn’t know how to handle it,

She was a child,

She couldn’t hold the darkness,

It built up,

until it exploded into panic attacks.

I’m now realizing how strong little Naomi is.

I love her soo much.

The saving grace,

The holy vibrations,

MUSIC.

Music saved my life.

Got lost in the rhythm.

Took me to another reality.

A sweet surrender.

Dancing like a flame,

Singing at the top of my lungs.

In those moments,

I was free.

My demons melted away.

I would dream of seeing my favourite artists live. One year I got hyped up about Lollapalooza, a music festival in Berlin. But little Naomi lacked confidence, friends and money to go. I was living in a place of fear.

The last few years I’ve been healing my trauma wounds. My spirit guides assure me that this world has beautiful things for me. I trust the universe. I am open to receive the miracles life has to offer.

In 2019, I let go of what was dulling out my light; left a shitty relationship, left my job, my house, gave away most of my possessions, bought a one way ticket to Greece and tickets to the 2020 Porto Primavera festival.

Due to covid the festival kept being postponed but finally it arrived!

Thing is with trauma is that it keeps coming up. Its a constant battle, but once you make friends with the demons, it gets a lot easier to reason with them and not let them take over your reality.

They started whispering thoughts of fear

“Everyone will be drunk with their friends, and you’ll be the sober loser on your own”

For some time I entertained these ear worms.

Then I came to my senses.

I have the music.

It’s about the music.

My childhood dream.

I AM strong enough to go on my own.

Little Naomi would be so proud.

So off I hopped on a plane to Portugal…

To be continued…

On BIG Mouth Naomi

Guess Who’s Back

Wack out the haggard notebook. Delv into the draw, find a perfect pen. Now time to go on a date with the blank page. Staring at each other awkwardly. How do I express myself? Trick is to write the first things that come to you. Get the flow going, then you can totally ride the wave dude!

I love going on dates with blank pages. Pouring your mind onto paper, creating portals with words.

But I was in a self destructive cycle; ignoring the wisdom from my higher self, telling me to write.

Mind, body and soul are intrinsically connected. If you ignore your Higher Self for long enough, it brings dis-ease. As you’re literally going against your soul.

Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom, to get us to wake up and listen. The tower card in the tarot deck. It’s love hate relationship with tower moments. Bit of tough love from the universe.

Healing letter to my Higher Self

I started writing about dimensions and evolution, getting frustrated with wording it right. My spirit guides gave me a good talking to “Keep it simple. Write about where you’re at.”

So here I am, with a short and simple post. I will be posting some deep spiritual stuff soon though!

We Are Strong!

Rise Up Like the Sun

Does anyone else get waaayyy too excited and start loads of different projects?

I can’t help it, my mind is buzzing with ideas!

I did give myself a little pep talk this morning though, like Naomi you need to finish, before starting another project! If not I’ll end up with loads of unfinished bits and bobs and get overwhelmed at what to do.

I wanted to add this song to my last post. But thought Naaah!

Let’s do a whole post dedicated to this tune!

Watch Pat Benatar sing her heart out and tell an emotional story through dance and song.

An Authoritative dad yells at his daughter.

Young Rebellious Woman Roars back.

The loving mother looks at her partner like a scared child. Distraught over his harsh punishment towards their daughter. Without even discussing it with her.

Toxic masculinity at its finest.

Tightening her grip on her wedding ring. Shaming herself because she’s not strong enough to leave this asshole of a man.

Kicked out of her Home. Feeling like an Outcast. We see her story unfold. She becomes a woman of the streets. Men constantly lingering around her. Defiantly singing past them.

Enters in a smokey room…haha I just had too!

People moodly staring. We’re introduced to a creepy guy with a silly grin.

Boring night at the club; everyone looks depressed.

When we hear a woman scream.

She’s being harassed by that creepy guy!

Strong Women draped in rags emerge on the dance floor. Support is here. Dancing with Power and Unity.

The Man is looking really freaked out!

I could help myself! He’s such a meme!

I’m surprised they dance together! Then again it is a music video Naomi! There’s fierce dances like Paso Doble that represent fighting. I’ve been watching too much strictly come dancing lol

She chucks holy water to cleanse the toxic masculinity in him. He touches her without her permission. Without fear she bats him away. Shimmying out the door with her girl gang.

Out in the daylight we can really see the amazing outfits the women have! Love the bright clashing colours. The 80s! What a cool time heh?

They thank and bless each other before going their separate ways.

Finishing with Pat Benatar strutting her stuff towards the sunset.

Beautiful.

Three Sisters In Athens

Thank You Sisters

Home is Where the Heart is

Growing up in a council house on benefits. With my dad and brother. No Mother to show me the way. Nits in our hair. Shoes falling apart. Skin covering bare bones.

Enviously looking at girls who adorn themselves with jewellery and beautiful fitted clothing.

Disappointed in Myself and My situation.

A heavy sense of shame followed me.

I didn’t want people to see Me.

If you’re different, you’re a target.

“Ewww you don’t shave your armpits!”

“You’re Gross!”

“I won’t talk to you until you shave”

Body shaming each other.

Ultimately, it’s not their fault.

We’ve been raised in a toxic system where shaming ourselves and others is considered “normal”

All of us are cogs in this mashine.

Even when you realise, that you’re a cog, it’s hard to break away from these patterns, because that’s all you’ve ever known.

Word on the streets is

This System is going Down!

From the Ashes

Grows a New System

Built on Self Love.

It starts with

Women Coming Together.

Being Vulnerable.

Sharing Trauma

In a Safe Space.

Listening with Love.

Crying Together.

Raising each other UP

Women You Are My Heroes!

I’m on a journey of self discovery.

Learning

How My body works.

How My mind operates.

What My heart feels.

Privileged to be part of a group of women that are doing the same.

I’m part of the Virtual Inner circle with Womben Wellness. We learn in depth knowledge about the female body and develop a relationship with our bodies.

It’s such a beautiful enriching resource. I really recommend it! Even if you can’t afford the Inner circle membership, there’s loads of free videos and guides. (This isn’t a paid advert but if you would like to work together let me know lol!)

https://www.wombenwellness.com/

Knowledge is Power

My heart goes out to Men.

The system has punished them for showing their emotions.

“Grow some balls”

The System is Lying!

Vulnerablity

Is Not Weakness

It’s Strength!

Men,

I urge You to Find

Your Safe Space.

With Other Men.

Some of you are probably thinking

“Nope too scary”

Yes it is scary. I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of shame men receive for showing emotions.

But I promise you once you open up, your whole life will benefit from it.

Ask God/Universe/Yourself for courage and to find your safe space.

Your Emotions Are Valid

Sharing My Growth…

I’m grateful for the gift of writing. It really helps me process traumatic periods in my life and uncomfortable feelings that arise from them. By reflecting and retelling the story you can learn so much about others and yourself.

My wise friend told me to “Run to the darkness. ” Explore your emotions, rather than bottling negative feelings. Although it will be hard, you will grow soo much.

Lepon… So… Here’s my growth Story.

I’d never felt so at home before!

There was no pressure to: clean, work, cook ect…

I’d be on the balcony smoking weed and gardening all day. Going on bike rides with my flatmates. Making art.

It was a sweet life.

Manifested Toilet ✨

I felt happy in my little sanctuary. The only problem was when I went outside.

A shaddy authoritative figure holds out their hand.

“bla bla speaking in Greek… “

“Yassas I don’t speak Greek”

“Show Me Your ID”

I was in total shock. I own up to my white privilege, in the whole 25 years of being alive, the first time I was stopped and asked for ID was in Greece a few months ago. Verbal randomness started flowing out of my mouth.

You know when you’re a kid and you just keep asking “why though?”

Well I’m still a kid and like to ask alot of questions.

But seriously though

“Why do you need to know who I am?”

“Have I committed a crime?”

Then they start to get funny and say something like

“Do you want to get arrested?”

I go all Lauren from the Catherine Tate show ( look it up if you can be bothered 😉

“Can I not just ask a question tho? Can’t EVEN ask a question? Are we living in a dictatorship tho? Are you going to arrest me for asking a question? Am I Bothered? Look at my face. Am I bothered? Not Bothered!”

(exaggerated the situation obvs 🙂

Or the classic.

“I’ll show you my ID if you show me yours Officer”

(sounds soo pervy lol)

“As how do I know you would give it back? I don’t know you, and certainly don’t trust you. “

Surprised that I actually got a cop to give me his personal ID.

It is perfectly within your right to ask these type of questions. I think it’s important to do so.

It reminds them that We Are Equals.

Just because they’ve been given a shiny badge by the government, does not make them superior.

They start to identify with their job title and lose who they really are.

If no one challenges them, then they’ll keep thinking they have the power.

It is also perfectly within your right, to flim the police or someone else in a public space. Be aware that some police also have cameras and mics inbeded in their uniform.

At the start of the year I went into the Athens Police Headquarters to complain about how rude and aggressive the police are.

“We’re not like England!”

They laughed.

This activated me into Mary Poppins…

The super Nanny for the Kako cops…

“Young man, I’m seeing alot of unacceptable behaviour around here.”

As the government tighten their control, on the protests showing solidarity for Dimitri Koufontinas. (link explaing about Koufontinas). The police displayed more aggression towards the people. Despite this, Greek people showed solidarity, and fought back.

My room mate showed me horrific videos of police abusing their power and ganging up on individuals. At my nearest metro, the police pushed people into the station and threw tear gas in an enclosed space.

Going out felt like a warzone.

I’d go past a cop I’d be like

*fuck you*

Under my breath.

Silently praying that my friends are Daxey Laxey (okie dokie)

If any police are reading this please would you email me your answers to these questions:

What is your duty?

Who do you work for?

Are you serving the people?

Or serving the Government?

What do you Stand for?

Who Are You?

Lepon… So…

For Growth to happen you need to undergo trauma and run towards it screaming!

You might get brusied (emotionally) but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right!? Stand a little taller… Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone… ;D (you’re gonna have that stuck in your head now)

Lepon, the traumatic incidences with the police.

We were exercising our right to protest, but the protest didn’t happen as the police dispanded everyone. So we went for a coffee, sat on some grass by the side of the road.

I got comfortable.

Took my shoes off.

Sprawled out.

Having a good time when…

A group of at least 6 Team Drassi officers pull up on bikes next to us. They start encroaching on our personal space. One officer kicked my bag and scarf.

I felt threatened.

When this happens your body goes into Fight or Flight mode.

Animal instincts kick in.

This is our body’s natural way of protecting itself. This is useful, when fleeing from other animals or attacking them.

But we’re not wild animals in the jungle. Although it sure feels like it sometimes!

We can’t simply run away from our problems. We are told we have to talk to the Malaka police and give them our ID.

Your body fills up with energy. If you don’t use it, it comes out as a panic attack.

Okay, so this time, I was with my trusted Greek friends. I could see they where rationalising with the officers and that everything would be Daxey.

Wasn’t soo Daxey when I was with my friend, cycling down a road in Athens. We passed loads of riot police, we went the wrong way and had to pass them again.

Menacing black uniforms surrounded our bikes. I suggested some fresh fashion advice.

“I’d love to give your uniforms a make over. I’d put a red heart on your sleeves, to remind you to be loving and to show the people you care.”

The officer got soo pissed at this!

“We wear Black! This isn’t a game! We are at war!”

At War with Who?

Yourself I think.

Police non stop asking questions.

A lot of questions…

“Where are you going? When is your birthday? Where were you born? Where do you live? How long have you been here? Why are you trembling?”

“Because We’re SCARED!”

I’ve worked on my mental health alot recently. I can spot a panic attack coming. I ground myself using my breath. I can calm down.

However this time, I had a full hiperventaling panic attack in front of the cops.

I was scared that they were going to hurt me. I didn’t care if they took my ID. I just had to leave the toxic situation.

Some of them started to laugh at me.

How Dare they!

Disturb my peace of mind!

Make fun of someone vulnerable!

Got home, cried, shouted, made soo much art about it. But no matter what I did. I couldn’t shake out all the rage. It’s there for a reason. To be explored…

I had been triggered. I was acting out, to express my pain, calling out for attention and comfort from my loved ones.

However my friends didn’t like this behaviour and it made them react and push away from me. We’d argue. As you might imagine, I’m a good talker and stubborn. I always defend myself and my actions. It’s hard to see other points of view.

Especially, when most of us live by toxic values, that we’ve been conditioned to follow, by the system.

Such as:

“Put a brave face on. ”

“Don’t show your weakness.”

“Don’t be the odd one out.”

Body shaming, sex work shame, putting others down, seriously the list can go on for ages…

Let me know what toxic value you’re un-conditioning yourself from!

I decided to follow my intuition and leave the beautiful sanctuary flat and my gorgeous little cat.

“If they can’t handle me at my worst, they don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

Moving out was incredibly hard. There were a lot of tears! As there were many good memories in that flat.

I hope that my friend sees that there was no bad intentions in my behaviour and we can move past this.

I acknowledge that we are not are thoughts or actions. Any moment we can change the narrative of who we are.

Anyone read till the end? If you have thank you soo much for your support and love! I hope you got something, from me explaining my story.

Why Anarchists should be Gardeners P2

Okay sooo in my last post I go on a massive tangent about fear and love; forgetting to talk about any actual gardening! So if you haven’t read it…. read it… Then come back to this one… go on then 😉

Fear or Love?

Picture yourself….

…in the future.

Mother earth abused and raped, too many times. Chemical warfare. We used to call it “cleaning” or the classic “produce more”. We were sold this idea. It was sparkly and cheap, oh so cheap. In something we used to call “money”. Surprisingly, this didn’t have any real value. Yet, we traded everything for it. But there was always a cost.

Space like oceans, where balls of plastic fly into each other like meteors. Silent ghost forests haunt the bare land. Our mother is barren, unable to produce edible food. Humans have resorted to eating this bland powder made from rocks. Dreaming of the days when you could eat an orange.

Deep within you, something is calling.

A clear message.

Hope.

Visions visit you almost every night.

An abundant paradise, where humans recognize they are part of nature and joyfully work with her.

People laugh at you when you tell them.

“That’s all gone…” They sigh

“We had a chance and we messed it up.” Depressingly plodding away.

So that’s just the way life is now, huh? Are you just going to accept that? Are you going to listen to the voice inside you?

You might die. Meh, so what? Where ever the dead go, it can’t be worse than this grey existence.

Determined, you pack only essentials: gas mask, compass, map, camping equipment, change of clothes, last but certainly not the least, your personal penknife. You’ve been adding tools to it for months, almost like you knew this would happen.

Boots laced up. Bag on your back. Bring it!

In the middle of night, you take one final look at the vast void you call “home”.

Whispering a prayer.

Ready for your adventure.

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Find out what happens on your adventure next time on

BIG Mouth Naomi.com